You can never go home again

maledixtion @ 2009-02-09T06:02:00

2009-02-09T14:05:28Z

My favorite record is the sky at night. Every night the tune's the same but the words have changed.

maledixtion @ 2009-02-06T04:32:00

2009-02-06T13:00:34Z

As I stand outside on my balcony in the dead of night, shirtless in a warm February night in Los Angeles, the steady rhythm of rain on the palm trees around me make me feel like I am in an exotic South American village rather than outside of my modest city apartment. Having lived through the frigid winters of upstate New York, I smile and appreciate the forgiving weather I've grown accustomed to. I smoke a cigarette, the first since I made my New Year's vow to quit, but the weather has me in a strange mood. I recall a quote by Richard Dawkins in which he criticizes Christians, "Be thankful that you have a life, and forsake your vain and presumptuous desire for a second one.". But it's not religion that comes to mind. I think about how lucky we all are to be alive and to actually experience our planet and the people we meet. Years from now our lives will have been part of an era. I think about how strange it is to live your life at the time you live it. None of us will ever know what it's like to be a 1600's sailor. None of will ever know what it's like to be an 1800's senator, nor an Incan warrior, or a 9th Century Tibetan Buddhist monk. I start to wish I could live forever, so I never miss out on anything to come. I think about how jaded an immortal man might become. Or on the other side of the coin realize how lucky they are to see all that they have seen and treasure every day. I think back on my day, which began as usual, by sleeping well past noon. The day continues like any other until I leave work after midnight and decide to hop the fence at the community gardens an steal a few lemons off the tree. On the way home I passed an orange tree and climbed it in the rain to grab some, when the car near opens it's door and two young men ask for some oranges, and tell me they are celebrating having landed a role in the movie for The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, and are doing coke, and offer me some. Having tried it a few times in the past and not feeling much I said what the fuck, why not. I probably wouldn't remember this day had I not thought about how interesting every day of living is, because every day here is always so full, but I want to do more, I don't want to become numb in a routine and let life slip by me. I'm going to start writing more.

maledixtion @ 2008-06-03T04:19:00

2008-06-03T11:27:49Z

I don't really post in this thing anymore because I'm pretty over it and only ever used it to vent, and I'm at a stage where I feel I am mature enough to deal with any conflicts I may have face to face with whomever it concerns, but seeing as there's nobody to really address this to that I haven't already, and I still can't get it off my mind, I'm writing it here. The problem is that I met someone a few days ago that is absolutely incredible in all the ways that someone should be, and I can't stop thinking about her. The day we met went really well, I actually ended up spending the night with her, but I really want a relationship with her, a real one, and endearing one, a meaningful one, and since that first time it seems like I've made no progress on that at all. I am old enough to know that I can't make anything happen, but I can't stop hoping for it. It's a bizarre dichotomy, having someone fill your heart with such happiness but at the same time being so worried that you might be the only one feeling that way. My fingers are crossed, and I'm looking forward to the future.

But this one, is for you.

2008-01-22T04:14:57Z

I don't know why it took me so long to figure out, so long to see what everyone else seemed to see so clearly. It could be that I never took notice because you always seemed to have someone, or it could just be because I was a different person before I got close to you. Whatever it was, I'm glad that I finally realized what I had been overlooking for so long. One of the biggest disappointments I have in myself is that I haven't been able to fall in love with you. Obviously, it's much better off this way, but when I compare you against every girl I've known, chased after, or have ever been involved with, it's almost unfair to all the others involved. Which isn't to say that the competition is weak, because there have been some incredible girls in my life, and a few not so incredible ones that you've borne witness to. It's just peculiar, and altogether disheartening to me that whatever mechanism inside me that dictates who and whom not to love, doesn't realize the same things that I do. It's fortunate that it doesn't, because I am sure that is saving me a great deal of heartbreak in it's myopia. But I can't deny that I don't miss you, or worry about seeing less of you in the future.

You have told me many times that you are sorry, almost as many as I wish I had told you thank you, but I am not entirely sure you know what you're feeling sorry for, if you know what the emotion I'm feeling now is. I know that you did, and might still, think you broke my heart, and for moment I might have thought the same, but the best way to describe the way I feel now is to imagine something precious to you, something priceless, like a wedding ring or something of similar magnitude, and standing in the shower as it slips off your finger and slides towards the drain before you can think to even move. That split second of horror when you watch it slip from view, that is how I feel. But just like losing a ring down the drain I realize that while there is a pretty good chance it's gone forever, I know that there's still a possibility of getting it back somehow.

It's amazing to me how I feel around you, it's something completely different than anything else I have felt with, or for, anyone else. It's the most complete sense of comfort, like home, but in a person. Exactly like that. Because I get the feeling that no matter who else I come across, it won't feel the same. Like moving out of the place you have always known as home, no matter how much you call the new place home, it just isn't. It doesn't feel the same. I don't even have to be near you to feel that. Just hearing your voice from another room, or looking up and seeing your smile is enough. It's a wonderful feeling, especially being in a place that is so far from home in the first place. There's probably a lot more to be said, but I think this is good enough at getting the idea out there.

One thank you could never really be enough to cover everything that I have to be thankful for about you, but there aren't enough breaths in this body to ever finish that job, so I'll just do this,

Thank you, for everything, but mostly for being the most incredible friend anyone could ever, ever hope to have.

(If this is literarily dense and difficult to understand, I apologize but I just kept typing, I did no proof-reading, and I will never read what I just wrote because I'm not sure I really have the strength to see in words the things I feel inside me everyday.)

What Do You Have To Say? - The Last Time I Sang...

2008-01-21T00:23:56Z

When was the last time you sang?

Brought to you by HP

View 500 Answers

Blink 182 - Adam's Song

maledixtion @ 2008-01-20T05:24:00

2008-01-20T13:25:38Z

I want to love you. I want you to let me, too.

This took 6 minutes.

2008-01-14T01:39:43Z

If you've proven your point than you've proven yourself bigger than the religion you support. Like the Nazarene you made yourself out to be, and jaws dropped to feet breaking every rib on the way down like a child through the limbs of a tree. Like breaking the hearts of all involved. The invitation must've been lost in the steady stream of misinformation.
Come safe, filled with more obvious humor, gentlemen indistinguished from the candor of a carnival barker. Sell yourself for a chance to be free. The effigies of our enemies are burning with silent surrender as we fall to our knees and weep on the streets. Making love to misery and birthing the cataract of inconsequent stares from our unfortunate quarry. It's getting hard to tell the difference between the masses and me.

maledixtion @ 2007-12-14T02:36:00

2007-12-14T10:41:27Z

I want to say something because I feel like I have a million things to say, but I can't think of a single word. It's very strange to feel this way, because I want her to be happy and I want it to work out for her because it's not like I was offering anything anyway, but it sucks to pretend I won't miss it at all.

maledixtion @ 2007-11-15T01:45:00

2007-11-15T09:48:50Z

You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and every day that goes by without you in it I am miserable.

I am scared, and I love you.

Cuando no sabe donde ya estes

2007-11-08T23:49:45Z

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head.

Things falling apart.

2007-11-06T20:38:42Z

I've been pretty much done with livejournal for a year now, and I can't relate to anything written in here due to the amount of change I've gone through in that year, but while I'm here I might as well let out some demons at least to show Marissa I'm still alive.

There's really no point in summarizing the events that have happened in the interim, it would only make this entry sound as riddled with angst and complaints as it began, so I'll start with right now.

RIght now I'm at my college's computer lab, which is unusual because I have all but given up on college this semester, I don't think I've attended a class in a month. I've never been a good student I've realized, I excelled at high school because I am naturally very smart, but I have no patience for the tedious nature of college schooling. I've been a full time student since the age of four and I really can't bear much more of it. It's not that I don't appreciate learning, but I feel like I am wasting my time with college if my real goal is to learn. College is for people that need a piece of paper that shows they've accomplished the minimum manditory hour of inane lectures and busy-work papers because they believe it is the only way they can proceed in life. The only reasons I've stayed with it thus far is for the free health insurance and to avoid my mother's disappointment.

Right now I'm torn. I feel alone here in Los Angeles, once again. Despite making a multitude of friends in the past few months, none of them seem to be of any real substance here, and I feel like I may be wasting my time here. I know for sure that I haven't been capitalizing on what LA has to offer, but I also lack the available funds or precious free time to do such things even when the ambition is there. The frightening part is that the logical next place to go would be to return to Rochester, which is no longer my home. I do have a few wonderful friends there, but I could never stay long. I've always wanted to live in the Pacific Northwest but I don't think I could go from here to there without returning to Rochester first to regroup and get myself together first.

Right now I have a million different things running through my head. I have been in love with the same girl since early March, and it's never faltered. There have been definite ups and downs through the year, and after a month and a half of not speaking to her her around September and October, I healed a lot, maybe we both did, and realized just how much I wanted her in my life. Right now I'm confused by it all though, it could all just be the product of my own shattered trust, but I feel like everything is so hot and cold with her. Some days she seems like she has the same thing in mind as I do, others she is very withdrawn and avoids conversation. Although we aren't together any longer and thus no longer "her guy", I can't help but feeling as though there is someone else, at least recently. I've been known to conjure up my own worst fears in my head, and I'd like to believe that is what is happening, but I still wish I could get some reassurance from her. It's a little frightening considering how unwavering my love has been all year for her that after our interlude of not speaking I began to become comfortable with the idea that we may never be together again, and last night for the first time I felt as though I was really being turned away from her, on my own accord, and contemplated if I would be able to walk away from my love for her completely to accept the affection of a girl who I know wants to give it to me. By this morning I realized that isn't what I want, but I still wish I could get her to tell me her true feelings and alleviate some of this emotional torture.

Right now is all about what if's, it seems.

maledixtion @ 2007-01-29T00:58:00

2007-01-29T09:02:29Z

I'm back in LA and working everyday. I missed some important people when I came back, mostly as a result of having very limited access to transportation, but the good news is I will be back in June to visit again and see everyone I missed. Priority number one is Marissa (Wilson). Sam Bales and Emilie will for sure be getting visits, and hopefully more with Marisa, Ian, and Kerri.

maledixtion @ 2007-01-11T02:02:00

2007-01-11T10:12:31Z

1. What color is your trash can?:
White.

2. What was the largest amount of money you've ever found on the ground?:
$20

3. Who was the last person you sent a letter to?:
Not sure

4. What is your AIM font color?:
Black and white

5. What color are the shoes you wore today?:
Black

6. What was the longest amount of time you've ever spent standing in line?:
A few hours

7. What were you waiting to do?:
Get into a concert

8. What is your shoe size?:
9

9. Can you tell the difference between a regular wrench and a monkey wrench?:
Yes

10. Have you ever owned a chinchilla?:
No

11. What is your locker combination?:
I haven't had one in ages, but the last one was 22-32-12

12. Is there a glue stick anywhere near you?:
No

13. How about an animal of any kind?:
No

14. Do you like oatmeal?:
Yes

15. Have you ever played the version of UNO where the machine spits cards at you?:
No

16. What is your favorite flavor of Gatorade?:
Orange, or any of the Frost series

17. Do you know where the name "Gatorade" comes from?:
It was invented for the Florida State Gators football team. Which is why they both have green and orange as their colors.

18. How many belts do you own?:
4

19. Wal-Mart or K-Mart?:
Target

20. How many screenames do you have?:
2

21. What was the last song you listened to and who was it by?:
The Myth of Fingerprints by Paul Simon

22. If it was by a band, what is the lead singer's name?
Paul Simon

23. Have you ever written fanfiction of any kind?:
No

24. Is the best part of believe really the lie?:
No, it's the eve.

25. Do you know anybody who is so insanely rich that its not even funny?:
Yes

26. What is your favorite pizza topping?:
Pepperoni

27. How many people can your dining room table seat?:
4

28. What is the name of the nearest gas station?:
SunFax

29. What did you have for breakfast today?:
No

30. Fat highlighters or skinny highlighters?:
Fat.

31. What's your favorite comic strip in the Funnies?:
Far Side or Calvin and Hobbes

32. Have you ever been in a room where the word "gullible" was written on the ceiling?:
No

33. Wide ruled paper or college ruled paper?:
College.

34. What's the longest amount of time you've ever spent in a car?:
14 hours

35. What time is it?
5:10

36. Have you ever tried to fit yourself into a locker?:
I tried and succeeded

37. Did it work?:
Yes

38. How big is the tv in your living room?:
46"

39. What is the one chore that you absolutely hate to do?:
Dishes

40. How many posters do you have in your room?:
Two

41. What is the worst grade you've ever gotten on a test or quiz?:
A zero.

42. Do you know how to write a check?:
Yes

43. What's in your backyard?:
A pool

46. What does your moms car look like?:
Green Altima

47. Have you ever watched figure skating on television?:
I have.

48. Have you ever been to Disney on Ice or something of the sort?:
Little Mermaid on ice

49. What brand of vacuum does your family own?:
Dyson

50. How many people are on your buddy list?:
Almost 300

4 more days.

2007-01-06T11:54:35Z

And I'll be home. Except not really, because my house has been sold since I have been away, as well as my car, and a year's worth of people's lives has gone by.

I'll try not to miss a beat.

A year, and a day.

2006-12-31T13:15:53Z

I have been living in Los Angeles for precisely a year and a day now. It has been an amazing and long year, but there is still so much for me to do out here. I can't believe I've made it this far.
I can't put everything that has happened into words, but the song in the cut sums it all up nicely.

She thinks I'm much too thin
She asks me if I'm sick
What's a girl to do
With friends like this
She lets me drive her car
So I can score an eighth
From the lesbians
Out west in Venice

Oh, California in the Summer
Ah, and my hair is growing long
Fuck yeah, we can live like this

But if you left it up to me
Everyday would be
A holiday from real
We'd waste our weeks
Beneath the sun
We'd fry our brains
And say it's so much fun out here
But when it's all over
I'll come back for another year

I'll look for work today
I'm spilling out the door
Put my glasses on
So no one sees me
I never thought that
I'd be living on your floor
But the rents are high
And LA's easy

Oh, it's a picture of perfection
Ah, and the postcards gonna read
"Fuck yeah we can live like this...
We can live like this"

But if you left it up to me
Everyday would be
A holiday from real
We'd waste our weeks
Beneath the sun
We'd fry our brains
And write it's so much fun out here

Hey Madeline (hey Madeline)
You sure look fine (you sure look fine)
You wore my favorite sweater
Being poor was never better
A safety buzz (A safety buzz)
Some cheap red wine (Some cheap red wine)
Oh, the trouble we can get in
So let's screw this one up right

But if you left it up to me
Everyday would be
A holiday from real
We'd waste our weeks
Beneath the sun
We'd lie and tell our friends
It's so much fun out here
But when it's all over
I'll come back for another year

When it's all over
I'll come back for another
When it's all over
I'll come back for another year

Whooo

2006-12-22T13:33:24Z

I'm drunk, I miss everyone in Rochester, and I have a beard. And I want to meet a nice girl for Christmas.

Here's the beard.

I'm gonna grow a goddamn beard.

2006-12-11T10:35:30Z

One year!

2006-12-10T13:51:16Z

Should I stay or should I go now?

Fact of the Day!

2006-09-26T21:04:04Z

You're all silly.

maledixtion @ 2006-08-17T04:10:00

2006-08-17T11:13:25Z

The International Astronomical Union has redefined the term "planet" to "A planet is a celestial body that (a) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (b) is in orbit around a star, and is neither a star nor a satellite of a planet."

This means there are three new planets, and twelve more up for consideration. This is important to me. I am interested in the stupidest shit.

maledixtion @ 2006-08-14T04:15:00

2006-08-14T11:16:12Z

maledixtion @ 2006-08-12T02:15:00

2006-08-12T09:16:13Z

I just want you. I love you babe.

maledixtion @ 2006-08-05T02:47:00

2006-08-05T09:48:08Z

Once again I need a real reason to stay here instead of going home to NY.

the good man doesn't drink
and i've been drinking alone
so what does that make me?
my hands they always shake,
and no one's callin my phone
so what does that make me?
and i know the kid with his guitar so drunk and anxious it's been done to death but tell me what hasn't, i'll try it.
because i'm selfish enough to want to get better but i'm backwards enough not to take any steps to get there.
and when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it's what you've become and it's what you will stay, that's the ballgame.
cause i don't got room in my life for anyone else.
and i've driven away all the people that can help.
and i still don't even know what i need to do to fix myself.
and there's a clamp around my chest that tightens everytime i lapse into another sorry story...
about my miserable collapse. a brown box i keep encased in glass and dust off whenever i want your pity.
cause lately i've had to come to grips with scope and figure. how my problems stack up in a world two steps from ruin.
or maybe it's rapture.
well either way i realize that my shits about as small as it could be but that makes me feel worse for even feeling this bad in the first place.
cause there's a war starting soon and all the flags will be waving daniel's twenty year old friend will be ready, and willing, and waiting.
he's a marine and he told me.
and it makes me sad, really really fucking sad, but at least he'll act.
i'll just bite my tongue and then say "daniel you wish him luck, i'll pray that he comes back for mother's sake"
and then i'll drink those thoughts away, i've gotten good at that.
cause when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase it's what you've become and it's what you've become and that's what you will stay, that's the ballgame.
oh-woo-hoo-o-o
yeah when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it's what you've become and it's what you will stay... that's the ballgame.
yeah when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it's what you've become and it's what you will stay... that's the ballgame.

I'm in over my head.

2006-08-02T02:43:44Z

I have been in bed for the past 16 hours. I don't really have any ambition to get up. Today was one of the shittiest in recent memory.

Second journal in one night, you can tell I'm depressed.

2006-07-28T11:44:04Z

Sitting three-days deep in an awkward silence my mind starts to speak for those who will not. It’s an agonizing ordeal and I can hardly keep myself from tears or worse. I start walking through the year as I’ve experienced it thus far and realize I have never made so many mistakes so quickly as I have since the first of this year up to now, in this ungodly hot Hollywood night. Coming here was the first mistake and I know I would be clawing at the walls to get out if there were any in sight. I was so close to coming home, so close to safety, when things appeared to start falling into place and I decided to stay here and not give up or give in. I’ll take some of the guesswork out here for you: I met a girl. But not just any girl, at least not to me. She’s every superlative you can string together and more. It was an instant connection, and you could feel a certain electricity in the air. I love this girl, truly, I feel love for the first time in many years. She was my personal angel in this city of angels, and it felt like fate. My angel had to leave for what was supposed to be a short stay with her family in Ohio, but the stay seems to have been extended indefinitely since discovering she is ill, and has decided not to return, and again I regain my role as the lost soul in a city where he doesn’t belong. These eyes don’t cry, but my god they are a river tonight! Please, please, please don’t leave me, can’t you hear me? Please don’t leave me here or anywhere, all alone in a city of millions, without the one, the only one I want. My one in a million.

I can’t explain to any of you the degree to which I love this girl.